With Sails Set High

I remember exactly where I was one year ago, today.

It was my last weekend alone at the lighthouse in Australia. I reserved those last few days of solitude to focus on my inner self and to listen to the truth of my soul, even if the answers I had been wanting hurt to hear. For hours I played the piano as tears fell from my eyes. I was forgiving myself through each ivory note. Allowing oneself compassion after being the one to deny it for a lifetime is powerful—all you can do is weep tears of joy and gratitude.

During the witching hour, an overpowering sense of energy took hold of me. Whatever it was tore the clothes from my body and had me charging down the sandy cliff toward the sea. There I stood under the soft knowing moonlight where the choir of waves sang loud enough for the stars to dance—pride in their constant changing fluidity. I, a babbling brook, heard words spilling from my mouth. Words so full of love only the present moment could translate.

I do not know how long I remained there naked, at the edge of the cliff, under this trance. However, when I became fully coherent, my own loud voice yelled to the sky, “Vanessa, love yourself. All that is once was. To be, you must become.”

My whole life I had been on the quest to know how to be loved by someone. To truly feel it. And although it may seem like the most simple and obvious thing, I had not fully understood that the quest I so longed to conquer included loving myself and completely accepting me, the seemingly crazy and naked girl at the edge of a cliff, for all the imperfections, talents, ideas I possessed.

It is not that I was not proud of the person I was at that time, nor was I lacking self-assurance and confidence. What I lacked was the compassion toward my imperfect nature. The very same compassion I had been encouraging others of finding in themselves. I had spent my life convincing myself that to be a strong woman, leader, and mentor, one must not cry, ask for help, admit to weakness. I had been denying myself of the miraculous power of self-love through compassion.

One year later, I find myself underneath a crisp fall sky on the other side of the world. It is an honest blue that reminds me of a lover’s eyes. I have traveled over mountain, desert and sea to be in this moment right now. This moment that consists of light, love and laughter. I can say honestly and with an open heart and mind that embarking on this journey of giving in behalf of impr(int) has altered me in ways I never thought imaginable. I have learned to love and let love. That includes loving my Self. There is strength in forgiveness, in knowing when you need help and asking for it, in being honest with your vulnerability. There is always time to begin anew. My leaves, too, are changing colour.

This post is dedicated to Jackie McNamara.

Although she did not initially donate to impr(int) because I did not know her then, she has given her time, love and soul into the individual I am today.

I see Jackie and all I can think of is fierce. She is a woman whom stands her ground, believes in equality and loves unconditionally. It is rare to meet an individual in this world whom will give so freely, love as loudly and dance to her heart’s content.

Jackie, thank you for believing in the person that I am. Your compassion toward me has shown the possibility of being a stronger and better woman and warrior. Thank you for taping yourself to my side, ‘heeling’ me, and lending your hand when it’s too hard to do it alone. You have reminded me, and so many others, the importance of being whomever it is you want to be. Just be sure to do it loud and do it proud.

My sails are high and they look forward to sailing alongside your’s for a most rewarding and lovely friendship full of laughter, lessons and love. I truly am a better person knowing you. From one foul-mouthed sailor to another, thank you.

Dinners given, beers shared, books sent and a million hugs in your name, Kit. RTGTFTCSFF

xoxo

 

The Nature of Things

“Tell me about something beautiful you saw today…”

This morning was one of the most beautiful I have experienced.

I woke with a smile on my face excited for the day ahead.

My uncle, Rob, invited me for a morning bicycle ride to the market; he said he was getting himself a treat. I gladly agreed and hopped on the spare bicycle.

Handlebars high riding against the wind, I felt like a true Dutch.

The sun was rising and the fog was thick over the pastures. We quietly rode past the newborn lambs sleeping against their mothers for warmth. We rode past an old gentleman fishing in the canal whom appeared to be reminiscing about love that once was. We rode past orchards with delicate budding blooms like the mouths of a hundred babes searching for their mother’s breast.

Spring was most assuredly in the air.

Rob provided commentary about the history of the land and I drank it all up. He taught me a saying that goes, “They say that God created the Earth and the Dutch created Holland. Now you know why we are not such religious people.” We both broke into laughter because the evidence was all around.  All of the troubles I had created in my mind the last couple of days just melted away. That ego, I tell ya. Mine is a damn fool trying to get me hyped up and distracted from experiencing the simple beauty of just being.

After about 45 minutes cruising along, we arrived at the market to get Rob’s treat. I hardly had time to blink before he returned to the bicycles holding TEN jars of organic peanut butter. His smile stretched from ear-to-ear. With a soft voice, and a twinkle in his eye, he exclaimed, “There is nothing better than peanut butter. What a beautiful day, huh?”

Yes, it certainly was.

Thank you for reminding me the importance of being kind to yourself and that beauty can be found in the smallest things.

This blog is dedicated to David Thalman.

Thank you for donating to impr(int).

You asked me to tell you about something beautiful I saw today. Well, thank you for being someone whom helps me to realize the beauty of friendship and love. You are my Villa del Refugio. The voice whispering, “It’s okay. You are safe—keep going,” when I think I can go no further. My love for you, David, moves on a track of never-ending light. To feel it, all you have to do is close your eyes and be still.

I know this project is about doing random acts of kindness and the idea of that is to do it for strangers. But the last couple of days, I was a stranger to myself. It can be difficult to remember the importance of self-care. So, as an act of kindness, I made the time to research all of those things on my dream list, wrote in detail what I need to do to accomplish them, called family to tell them they are loved and ate a jar of peanut butter. After all, there is nothing better.

Thank you for being you. No matter how quiet it gets, remember there is a voice whispering, “It’s okay. You are safe—keep going.”

Many more kind acts in your name. xoxo

V for:

Vulnerability.
It’s a word that kind of makes my body do a little shift when I read it. I believe it is something we all have to face, either openly, or with a 50 foot brick wall with barbed wire and an entire task force every meter. Maybe that is just me?
Traveling certainly provides every opportunity to be vulnerable. It forces you to ask for help, direction, where the nearest toilet is. It challenges you to open your eyes, mind and stomach to different cultures and a new way of living.
What a humbling experience moving is. It kindly reminds me how disorganized and unprepared I actually am. My spontaniacal (yes, I know this is not a real word) character gets a real shock when it gets to a new country and realizes quickly that it knows very little about where it just placed my feet.
Right now my feet are on the beautiful and soft soil of North Holland. I have been warmly welcomed into a distant relative’s home. Our interaction had never been more than a birthday card every year in my youth, and now I find this family more accepting than what I am familiar with.
Vulnerable.
Yes, it is possible to be a strong and independent character while being vulnerable. In fact, it is healthy and what makes you stronger. Letting go of your inhibitions and your past conditioning is a feat that takes courage. So, instead of looking at this word and seeing weakness in it, I choose to use it as a tool. One-by-one, I’m knocking these meticulously placed bricks down from the wall that I have built and I am going to let love and life in.
Vulnerable Vana. The Viking Goddess.
(There’s a ring to it in there somewhere. Trust me.)
In Thailand, there is a tiny little woman, May. She is lovely, quiet and constant—like water. She was always going out of her way to help in whatever way she could. Somehow, she managed to work 24 hours a day, care for her injured husband, run their guesthouse, run their bar, take care of guests AND be a mother to her energetic five-year-old.

These flowers were for her; they were the least I could do after her countless refusals to receive assistance. I was amazed watching her gracefully take care of life’s tasks and always with a smile on her face. I witnessed a warrior.
This post is dedicated to Katherine Jones.
Thank you for donating to impr(int).
You are such a fierce and beautiful warrior.
I know that you silently stand by my side on the front line when trouble is lurking. I can feel your love across the dark and stormy waters and during sun kissed days where the grass sways with the wind. You have been an inspiration and are a daily reminder of the beauty hidden in the shadows.
Lovely, quiet and constant—like water.
Flowers, a warm meal, dishes, paints for a child, one million hugs and many more acts in your name.
Thank you for believing in me—even through all my leases.

Nieuw Zealand

From a New Lens (Child’s Play Pt. II)

Today I am officially another year older.

Hopefully I am putting some wisdom under my belt as I add another notch, as well.

I have had the most beautiful birthday week of my life. Words cannot express the pure joy and love I have felt from those in my line of reach, and those across the seven seas.

For my birthday, all I wanted was to spend time with the children in the village. Luckily, my broken foot suaded me to suggest we stay two nights longer with the Akha village. Nakisha, one of my bests, gladly agreed to stay and the next morning we embarked on a small trek down the hill.

Much to my delight, a group of laughing children were climbing a tree at the bottom of the hill. With gappy grins and open hearts (sounds familiar), they came running up to us, curiosity and love brimming in their eyes.

Asheen, the oldest of the group, was eyeing the lens around my neck. I knew that look of yearning too well. So, I removed my camera from my neck, handed it to Asheen and taught her how to take a photo. The transformation that took place was awe-inspiring. She went from an 11-year-old girl to an ageless woman in a blink of an eye.

For two hours, we watched her capture her family, friends and village from a new lens. She began teaching her peers how to use the camera, as well as the English words I spoke to her. My smile grew just as my heart did within those simple moments.

While the children took turns posing like the superstars they are, I bought each of them treats to help me celebrate my birthday. With sugary lips and sticky fingers, we laughed to our hearts content and exchanged hugs and kisses. All children.
Timeless.
Limitless.
Full of love.

A reminder that love knows no boundaries.
Age is just a number.
And a smile means the same thing in every language.

This blog is for an individual whom knows how to make me smile and laugh more than most. Whom has been by my side round the world and down the street. Whom believes in my good even when seeing my bad.

Nakisha Xaiz, thank you for donating to impr(int).
Thank you for having my back, feet, hair, you name it.
Thank you for being one of my bests for the last ten years.
You are a lifeline while I travel the world and even after.

You are fierce.
You are loved.
You are Beyonce.

As you’ve had the chance to witness my kind acts over the last eight weeks, know that all of the ones for you have been to thank you for you. I hope whenever light reflects into your line of vision, that you come to recognize it as your spirit from within reminding you of your beauty.

Thank you for bringing out the child in me.

No matter the distance, we’ll continue to be just a bunch of nuts.

To be, you must become.

Photos courtesy Nakisha Xaiz

Child’s Play

I have spent the last week in Thailand having the opportunity to observe the daily lives of villagers of the Karen and Akha hill tribes. Tears have come to my eyes many times watching the joy that comes from such a simple way of living. One of the highlights of spending time here has been watching the children engage with their peers, elders and myself, as the outsider.

I have been touched to the softest spot of my soul and miss all of the beautiful babes I have had the pleasure teaching, and learning from.

To be able to observe a child engaging in the simple act of daily ‘free play’ is beautiful.

Children go, do, become, speak, move whenever, and wherever, the moment leads them.

I’m not discounting their suffering through their curious innocence. For a child’s suffering can be as intense as an adult’s on their own level. I think people often forget this when they throw around phrases like, “Oh, to be a kid a again,” as if they are not capable of doing and being just a like child in their own adult way.

Let us learn to value what children have to teach, and remind, us on a daily basis.

The power to being.

For time is not a concept to them. The sun rises and sets each day because that is what it does. They allow it to be the way it is with the faith that it will return the next day. And everything in between is a canvas for creation and retrospect, all through the motion of the body, the voice of the spirit, and the colliding of excited curiosity and wanderlust in a field of unknowing.

Children truly are the breath of life.

We were all once children.

Let us be the lungs.

This post is gratefully dedicated to Christina and Shorty Sly.
Thank you for donating to impr(int).
Thank you both for living and laughing with the spirit of a child.
Shorty, thank you for raising your daughter to become a beautiful and strong-willed woman.
Christina, thank you for being a role model for all those around you.
This world is blessed by you both.

A warm room, a note, a smile and many more kind acts in your names.

Photos courtesy Nakisha Xaiz

Bees of My Knees

Sawasdee Ka!

Thailand.

What can I say? It has been a dream come true so far.

With a broken foot and an SD card that had an aneurysm from all the beauty it was capturing, I’m happy as a clam. The humidity, the new smells and unfamiliar territory… I love the feeling of being lost. I have no idea the actual time, nor the day of the week. All I know is that I am here. And to prove it, I have arrived.

The first night into Phuket happened to be the beginning of an annual weekend long festival. I could spend hours writing about all the amazing food I ate there, and we all know I want to, but what else excited me was all of the live music going on.

Asian Black Metal. Blues. Traditional. Pop.

With my big baby toof grin, I was surrounded by what I’m passionate about: music, food, culture.

This is for a beautiful lady whom I enjoy sharing these same passions with whenever she’s around.

Becky Johnson, thank you for donating to impr(int). I wish you could be here eating all this amazing food, listening to the happenin’ beats and experiencing a beautiful and friendly culture.

I bought a beer for this badass bass playin’ chica in your name. She was playing a cover of R.L. Burnside and I almost lost it. It was one of the best things and I thought of the times spent listening to your tape deck and bonding over the blues.

Thinking of your light and loving you daily. You make the bees of my knees weak. I’ve got the half-blink baby for you. Many more acts in your name…

Khob khun ka.

xoxo

House of Light

As I sit here in the Auckland CBD the day before I fly out for Asia, I realize how lucky I am. I just saw a bloke wearing a shirt that reads, “Make your own luck,” and I just chuckled.

That is what we all do, after all, isn’t it?

We have the freedom of choice! How beautiful is that? Most of us have the privilege to live in a place of the world where we are allowed to act freely each day. And for those whom are unable to do so without being reprimanded, they still have the freedom of thought and freedom of the mind.

It seems we take advantage of this great power all to often, or use it negatively against ourselves. I hope you choose to break through the barriers you create for yourself daily. I know that it is a daily challenge for myself, and progress makes better. Not perfect. Perfection seems boring, anyway.

That being said, I look forward to heading out to Asia where I think  I may actually experience some culture shock. It will be good to feel uncomfortable and force me to break out of my element. I await another realm of the unknown with open arms… and an open stomach! 🙂

Only five weeks into impr(int) and I know this project is one of the most life-altering ones I have embarked on thus far. Life-altering for me, that is. I know the kindness won’t stop after the year’s end, and it’s amazing how easy it is just to make the time to give.

Give and you shall receive.

This reminds me of my windless day out in Wellington. That’s right, no wind. Absolutely divine! I was lucky enough to be able to spend two nights on a yacht with our lovely hosts, Carol and Brian. They are an older couple whom still know how to laugh and love.

Being there with them on their boat was another dream come true. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the family I lived with back in Australia at the lighthouse and in Alice the Bus.

Keiran, Sam, Ellery, Baby Clem-7, thank  you for donating to impr(int).

Thank you for leading and guiding by example.

Thank you for having open hearts and an open home.

Thank you for being inspirational peers.

And most importantly, for being parents and partners worth mentioning. I miss you all dearly. I love you daily. I am grateful eternally.

A bottle of wine, a bowl of fruit, a warm meal and many hugs around the world in your name.

From each end of the ocean, I know I will be able to see the light of your love. Thank you for unknowingly steering me safely back home, wherever I choose it to be.

xoxo,

Vaness-a

Star on the Horizon

That last post was a bit of a jumble, eh?

Every day I’m seeing something new. It’s like I have just discovered this little monocle with a gold chain hanging from my collar. It’s beautiful.

I feel glad about life. Creation. All of it.

“I wanna have pride like my mother has. And not like the kind in the bible that turns ya bad.”

-Avett Brothers

This is for My Miss Kate.

Ann Kathryn Parma, you have taught me by example to give selflessly, live happily and love unconditionally.

Unfortunately, I do not have a means of posting a photo of the kindness given in your name right now.

However, the other day a homeless fellow, with a huge gappy grin, came up to me asking for change for food. I automatically thought of you and knew what you would have done. So, I happily shared my meal with him and thought of you with a heart full of love.

Thank you for donating to impr(int). Thank you for always believing in who I am and who I am becoming. Thank you for inspiring the good in myself and all those around you.

You shine brighter than the sun.

A star on the horizon.

xoxo

(Originally meant to post January 25, 2014)

My Peace (of the Pie)

Too often in today’s society, we get caught up in spending time complaining about the things we do not like, nor agree with, in our lives, rather than doing something to change it.

It seems we have a war on everything.

A war on drugs.

A war for peace.

A battle against disease.

A fight for the cause.

I cannot help but feel these phrases the media use are superfluous and paradoxical.

Don’t you?

As I was walking through the CBD of Brisbane for my last time, I saw a circle of people standing in silence in the center of King George Square. It was the type of thing you could not help but notice. It was also the type of thing most people would glance at and hurriedly walk past.

The reverence was tangible amongst the noise and I had to further investigate. There was a sign posted that they were having a silent vigil for peace for one hour. It also stated you were welcome to join for part, or the entirety, of it. Without skipping a beat, I set down my backpack in the center amongst the others that was in the formation of a peace sign and took my place. This was something I could stand for.

When the bell tower struck 5:00 PM, we held hands and raised them. The attitude of positive change was powerful and humbling. I consciously sent love out to all those I’ve encountered in my life, those I’ve yet, and the ones I never will.

That moment is dedicated to Rob and Marjanne van der Laan from The Netherlands for their kind donation to impr(int). When they found out about the project, they requested that I only do one thing: go to the shore and whisper “world peace” to the wind. This is for their belief that to change the world, one must first change themselves.

The world is not evil; it is just misled. Be a leader.